Why Do I Call It BipolarBrave?

I was going to write down what I meant by BipolarBrave, but I’ve come to a place where I’m questioning that. I was going to say it’s brave to talk about it, and brave to have gone through bipolar disorder episodes. That’s the initial thoughts I’ve had. And then there’s the alternate to consider. And I went there.


I’m certain that “perfect love casts out fear.” But I’m also certain that I feel like this fear is encroaching upon me again. The thought of being symptom-free and thriving with bipolar disorder is a reality to me now, and it’s clear as the day is long. But then when day turns to night, what will I say then? Symptoms may return and ravage my mind. So how can I call this brave?

I don’t consider it all that brave to talk about bipolar disorder. I take blogging and talking about this for granted. However, I can describe my particular relationship to bipolar disorder as characteristic of that poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, There Was a Little Girl:

There was a little girl,
            Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
            When she was good,
            She was very good indeed,
But when she was bad she was horrid.

How horrid this severe brain-based disorder can be. I seem to have forgotten that I’m no better than the next bipolar person. What a lie I’m living if I can’t identify with others. I’m not ashamed that I have found the right dosage of medication and have God to thank for it, but I am ashamed that I have been believing for a while now that I am “healed” and practically cured of it, all because I don’t have symptoms or side effects.

Who am I kidding? I can’t overcome this. I’ve been thinking I’m so “brave” to have a blog that revolves around my so-called life with bipolar disorder. But if I am bipolar, one day the symptoms will return. I pray that I can function that day, and gather the courage to reckon with all the symptoms I had at one time laughed in the face of. Where will I go when paranoia strikes? What will I do if I’m overcome with mania…or worse yet, psychosis?

I’m not better than bipolar.

I’m simply going to have to be braver. 

 

 

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